I Thought, I Asked and I Wondered

I decided to get rid of my "baggies" and among the first thing on my list was to getting rid of old diaries. Sad but that's reality.

As I was flipping through the pages, I came across this particular poem that was written a along time ago, which made me wondering. It needed a closure..

I thought, I asked and I wondered

I found me…so I thought
Then I lost it, never thought would find it again..
But I did…so I thought!

Is it really me who I found…so I wondered
Is that what I want …so I asked
Is it going to stay forever…so I wondered, again

For what I’ve found, I have no regrets
And would hold on to it for a long time..
Will I, so I wonder?


Today, I found the perfect closure to the poem..…

But I’ve failed
I could not hold on to the real me,
I really thought I could
As what seems so right, was simply wrong,
What seems so good, was just ugly,
And what seems so real, was just an illusion.
So I thought, asked and wondered…
What game has god played?

Sand Art

This is superb. I never know, a single drawing can be transformed into different forms. Do enjoy this piece of art accompanied by superb saxophone music.

Sorrow

It was poring heavily here in putrajaya so i scribbled this....

Today as I gaze upon the pouring rain
It felt just like the wet tears from my eyes,
The dark gloomy clouds

felt just like my miserable feeling
The roaring thunder

felt just like my throbbing heart beat
And the cold wind on my face felt like my dead soul

The moment the rain stop pouring,

a bright shinny day emerged and
the tears from eyes fades away,

but the sorrow in my heart lingers

as the tears has failed to wash away my sorrow

**Shuba

It wasn't excellent but i was satisfied till i came across this and realised mine was nothing. Sigh!

In myself I feel a struggle

In my eyes, in my heart

In my body, here inside

Sadness in-between my ribs is set

Light from outside is not let

Words from my lips I cannot express

Everything becoming less and less

I hear people around me

But I don’t have a clue

I hear far-echoes from a distance

Help me god to force this through

This pain I want to let go

I only hear my heart throbbing

Rapidly beating

My only voice as I cry I hear

Tears like rain, hurrying down

As if cooling my ache from outside

My face tucked in, my hands folded tight

What is happening to me?

Am I alright?

I carry on – I deserve to cry

I deserve to let it out

This struggle, this pain

I deserve to express

Let me go on…

~ Bidwiya

"The American", by Henry James

I discovered classic through the writing of Jane Austeen especially Pride and Prejudice and Emma, my all time favorite book. Despite its twisted, complicated and confusing words and phrases, classic books have amazing story line and beautifully written.

After enjoying the hilarious and thrilling (almost 600 pages of) Three Musketeers, I switched to Henry James’ s “The American”. Set in 1868, the story follows the fortunes of Christopher Newman, a 19th-century "new man" who has amassed a fortune in California and heads to Europe to learn its ways and find a wife.

What I enjoyed most about Henry James writing was his ability to described things in so perfection, as non-other have described. Here are some of the phrases that truly touched my heart.

“They kept the pot boiling till it cracked and then they put it on the shelf altogether”

“People are proud only when they have something to loose, and humble when they have something to gain.”

“Old trees have crooked branches, old house have queer cracks, old races have odd secrets”

“Listening to everything and hearing nothing!”

“We have differences as blue and pink”

“What right have I to be happy when others have been most unhappy”

Above all, his manner to call the main character as “hero”, just as how I would address a man-though in anger and annoyance.

Good bye Dear Friend

One of my colleagues, PA to my former boss is being transferred out. Why? Because my boss don’t seems to like her. Why? No one actually knows. After a year of tolerating each other, she was finally transferred to different division at different floor. Worst still, its being backdated to mid Dismember 2007, which simply mean, your service in no longer needed here.

Wow! That much of hatred. Its sad how power and influence can change fate of another!

It feels sad. I guess almost everyone who has been working here for a long time feels the same. She is such a kind person and I dearly adore her. In her forties, she is independent, smart, amazingly fit (plays almost all kind of sports activity – in door or outdoor), travel a lot and above all have capability to collect kutu* money with no delays.

Today is her so call last day, and yet she took the responsibility to settle my kutu money before departing. I will miss her dearly. Good bye dear friend.

*kutu- A little fund collection, where people join in to pay certain amount money each month and take turn to obtained the fund. Some sort of savings with no interest.

Chimp for a Pet

Wah!Can even buy jumpers for him!

My love for dogs is varying off. Sigh! Life with Rusty is just like married life [Its only my thought. So people please don't get worked up]. First years was exiting (knowing me knowing you period), next two years was learning and understanding period (hmm, this is how commitment and responsibility feels like), the fourth year was tolerating period (regretting and banging head for eagerly getting a dog) and now its survival period (it means, Ohmmmm!).

Its not that I hate him, but he is just simply impossible. Arrhh! That’s how it feels at time. Yesterday, I had to deliberately drag him out to make him do his business and I had to fight food with him claiming it to be “MINE” like greedy monster so that he will finish his food. And at time, beg him to go with pa to fetch akka! Imagine that. Sigh!

So out of frustration, I blurted out, “The next time I am getting a pet it going to be a Chimpanzee! Smart, independent and charming!”

“Yeah! Just fill the fridge with milk and fruits and teach him how to open and eat by him self!”, said ma with joy.

Oh Rusty oi! Can’t leave with him and cant leave with him. Sigh